Discovering Again Why I Ride

I have been riding horses for over 20 years now. That's hard to believe! My first riding lesson was a gift for my 7th birthday. So the 27th birthday I just celebrated was a milestone in many ways! I don't think anyone could have guessed 20 years ago how big of an impact horses would have on my life. Without them, I would not be the person I am today. I probably wouldn't be married to my husband. I most certainly would not be living where I am. I can't even begin to imagine all the ways my life would be different.

When I was little, I rode simply because I loved horses. Through high school, I enjoyed the friends I made and I also did chores at the farm, but it was still the passion for the animal that kept me coming back every day, getting up at the crack of dawn (or earlier) for shows, and spending every spare minute I could riding, thinking about, or just being with horses.

After college, I took a job as a trainer, assistant manager, riding teacher, and pretty much all-around right-hand-woman to my friend and high school trainer at her new farm. I threw myself into the work, fully committed to my job and thankful I could make money doing something that was also a passion (an aside - other than babysitting, I have never held a job that did not include horses!). I regularly worked 70+ hour weeks, was on call any time of the day or night, and did everything from patching up wounds (or helping the vet do so) to polishing up expensive show horses before they went in the ring. Every "non-horse person" I knew thought I was crazy. But to Luke and I, when you work with animals, they are your life. They don't take a break from living or having needs, so you don't take a break from caring for them.

I also trained, often working with and riding five or more horses each day. The constant changing and adjusting to each different horse and each different issue was interesting and challenging. I learned a lot and am thankful for the experience I had.

But somewhere along the way I lost the joy. The pure, unadulterated love of horses I felt as a child. The reason I started riding in the first place. Somehow, training, riding, and working at the farm became more about pleasing my boss and proving myself to be a wonderful employee and friend than simply about the horses. I strove to always fulfill and attempt to exceed her high expectations - setting myself up for failure and her for disappointment. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoyed the work. But I also had this nagging knowledge and fear that I could never be quite good enough. Instead of being the best I could be, I wanted to be perfect.

Due in part to the fact that I had a baby and did not want to work full-time anymore, and also probably due in part to these unrealistic expectations that didn't allow my commitment of anything less than everything to be enough, I no longer work at that job or with horses in any professional capacity. Our personal horses live at a friend's house, where they are deliriously happy, having more room and grass than they had ever known before. I get to ride once or twice a week.

At first, I have to admit, this riding was boring to me. Of course, I was excited to ride my own horse again, but always riding the same horse was a little dull after being used to riding so many different horses in a week. I always enjoyed trail rides, but going out on the trail every ride got a little old. I felt like I wasn't "working on things" like I was used to doing in an arena 80% of the time.

But over the past weeks and months, I have started to catch glimpses of why I began riding in the first place. Exploring new fields and trails with my husband for an hour and a half is an absolute delight. Instead of being focused on correctly executing a complicated maneuver (and being frustrated when the horse and I can't get it "right"), I am pleased with one step in the right direction. I'm no longer worried about how much I have to accomplish with this particular horse in the next 11 days before it leaves - I know, with my own horse, there will always be tomorrow. We are on a journey together, which has no end or limit, only ever-increasing magnitudes of communication and unity.

I am slowly peeling back the onion, and last night it felt like I got to the core. Since our friends (and babysitters!) are gone on a trip, I was riding alone for the first time in awhile. Paladin and I trotted several familiar fields, and then discovered, through a hedgerow, a huge expanse of green hayfield, completely hidden from the road and any nearby houses, closed in from everything. We made our way into this little Eden and cantered its perimeter, perfectly in tune, rolling along together. And I thought, "ahh, yes, this is why I ride."