Honestly, I was stumped for an answer. I don't mean this in a stuck-up way, because I certainly don't have all the answers and there were definitely times I had plenty of questions, but not much surprised me when I became a parent.
I think there are some stock answers to the question, such as: "I never knew I could love something this much," or, "I never knew I could be this tired and still function," or, "I never knew babies ate so much/went through so many diapers/etc....." But really and truly, none of that surprised me. When I told people that, I got lots of incredulous looks. I've been told motherhood looks "natural" on me, and I suppose that's true.
This past month, though, I have had my first BIG surprise as a parent. At first it was just a vague feeling in the back of my mind. But it slowly got stronger. The first time the thought actually crystallized in my head, I was shocked. You could have knocked me over with a feather. It was so contrary to everything I have ever pictured about my family and myself as a parent. When I expressed this wild thought to Luke, I couldn't believe I was actually saying it, that these words were actually coming out of my mouth.
What was this unthinkable thought that blew me out of the water?
I could be happy with just one. This one would be enough.
Perhaps this does not seem so revolutionary to some of you, but for as long as I can remember I have wanted a big family. Lots of kids. I slowly worked on Luke while we were dating and engaged until his "ideal family size" went from 2 kids to 2-3 to 3-4 to "about 4." I have always felt sorry for only children, having no siblings to play with, and assumed that since I love kids I'd have lots of them. For a long time I thought only children were spoiled and that it was better for kids to have siblings. Lately I have been rethinking many of these assumptions.
Clara is such a joy. She is the cutest, sweetest, smartest, funniest little girl I know. She has been a "good baby" right from the beginning. Sure, we've had rough patches, but even while we were going through them there have always been shining moments of joy and laughter to keep us going. She puts a smile on our faces at the end of a long day. Her huge smile is what motivates me to get up in the morning after a long night (I don't sleep well). She can brighten up any moment of the day in a million ways. Her hugs and kisses melt our hearts. She is truly the light of our lives.
I could be completely happy just being her mom. Seriously, who wouldn't be happy with just this little girl?!
In fact, it is hard to imagine adding another child to the mix. It makes me sad to think that another child would necessarily mean less one on one time with my sweet girl. Less focused attention from her Daddy, who already wishes he had more time with her than he does. Fewer opportunities to just sit and watch her play, learn and discover the world around her.
Furthermore, Clara is such a blessing, could we really be so lucky twice? Three times? What if we had another baby and it just wasn't that fun? Or it was really crabby? Or - here's the kicker - what if it was just as cute and wonderful as Clara? What in the world would we do then? As Luke said to Clara at dinner the other night, "We'd just burst!!!" A person can only stand so much incredible cuteness at once, I have to think.
I hear a certain someone waking up from her nap, singing away in her room, so I need to end. I should say, though, that I don't feel our family is complete. Luke and I both believe there are more children in our future. Whether they will be biological, foster, adoptive or some other kind of kid, we don't know, but we do know they're out there somewhere ahead of us. But for now, we are very happy with our sweet girl. And I will always have a better understanding of parents who decide to only have one child.
And now I'm off to get some baby hugs. :)
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| Tonight's reaction to the instructions, "Smile for the camera!" |
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