No Neutral

This phrase defines my life right now: "...there are no neutral moments in a young child’s life..."
As I was contemplating this morning what it is about parenting that has become so much more challenging since my sweet, cherubic baby became a toddler, this is the phrase I was searching for. When I read it in the article, I knew. That's it! My daughter no longer has a "neutral." It is either full steam ahead or burning rubber in reverse (I know, mixing metaphors). It is, "Dress! Skirt! Dress! Skirt! .... Dress. .... NO, SKIRT!!!" She is shaking hysterically with laughter one moment and bawling in dejection the next. She goes from, "Get DOWN!" to "Come 'ere, Mama," from "All by SELF!" to "Maaamaaa, help youuuuu" and back again in a matter of milliseconds.

I have heard this described as the toddler's search for independence. But it seems to be not so much about independence itself as about the conflict between desiring autonomy and fearing desertion, craving space but needing closeness. Perhaps this tug-of-war between freedom and stability is in sharper relief because our dear friends' oldest daughter just graduated from high school and I see the same conflict in her as she prepares to leave for college. Needing to assert herself but still wanting approval, love and acceptance. Seeking to discover and define herself apart from her family but still needing to feel connected, rooted, safe.

When I take the time to think about my daughter's tantrums and dizzying mood swings in this light, I am able to feel more compassion, less frustration. More understanding, less confusion. I see so much of myself in her. "Thanks God, but I can handle this one..... oh, wait! God?? A little help please?" "Let's choose that option. Ooooor, this one? No, that one. Okay, yes, this one's better. ...or is it that one?"  It makes me wonder, does God get tired of my antics? There are so many ways this parallel applies to my life, I certainly don't have time or space to contemplate them all here. But one of the things I am learning from my little girl's constant flow of extreme emotions is the importance of creating a neutral. With her we are working on taking deep breaths and using our words to communicate. In my own life I am working on creating spaces and times to pause, let the Holy Spirit breathe through me and allow God's Word to communicate to me. I hope to teach my daughter this as well. To give her a "neutral" - a place she can always come back to and rest. A Person she can always rest in, even in that distant but all-too-near future when she is no longer in my home and I am not there to look her in the eyes, hold her close and whisper, "Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Just breathe."