Samuel and Peter

In my Bible reading I am currently in both 1 Samuel and Mark. I have to admit, sometimes I am jealous of all those Old Testament saints, like Samuel. From the time he was a young boy, there was never any doubt about the path of his life. God called him clearly at a young age in a voice so audible, he thought it was Eli! From that time on everyone around him recognized his calling and God clearly spoke through him for the rest of his life. I doubt he ever wondered what he would be when he grew up - that was pretty clear. Did he ever wonder if God had truly called him, if he was really living the life God wanted him to live, if there was something more or other that he should be doing for God? It certainly doesn't seem like he did. And he's not the only one. In many ways, life for the OT saints seems so much simpler, so much clearer. God told them to do something and they did it. Or they didn't do it, and then God sent someone to tell them where they had gone wrong, what the consequences would be, and how to get back on the right path. It doesn't seem like God left very much up to them other than the simple choice of whether or not to obey. And yes, that makes me jealous. And a little confused. Because where does that leave me?

Many times I feel like God is not so clear these days. It feels like he leaves a lot up to me. Many choices of what to do with my time, all good things and here I am, the optimizer, trying to make the best choice and feeling like maybe none of them are quite good enough. Sometimes it seems like He directs clearly in one way but then opens another, unexpected door and I wonder, is this a test? A distraction to be ignored? Or a God-given opportunity to be taken? What if I make the wrong choice? Who will come to me and say, "This is where you went wrong, this is what God wants you to be doing instead." Yes, sometimes God is very clear and I am thankful for His leading but so often I say to Him, "Just tell me what you want and I'll do it! Don't give me a choice, just tell me!" Because if I have a choice, I might make the wrong choice (i.e. not the best choice). And what then?

In times like these I am comforted by Peter. Dear, explosive, bumbling Peter the shaky Rock. He had such brilliant moments of clarity ("You are the Christ") followed by such grievously mistaken thinking ("Get behind me, Satan!"). He so passionately followed his Lord and yet his passion was so often misdirected. He jumped in all ready for action and said the wrong thing just because, "he did not know what to say" (Mark 9:6). He completely botched one of the biggest tests of all, denying his friend and Lord on the night He needed him most. He made a lot of wrong choices. He made a lot of mistakes. And yet God still graciously and powerfully worked through him to establish and lead His church. Honestly, sometimes I look at Peter and think, "God, why did you pick him??" But then I realize, oh yes, if you picked someone like him to lead your church, surely you can use me. With all my flaws. Even if I make the wrong choice sometimes. Even if I don't make the best choice sometimes. (And yes, those are two very different things.)

Not that I would turn down an audible voice or writing on the wall, either.