Freedom!

"For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, 

'In returning and rest you shall be saved; 

in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.'"

Isaiah 30:15

This is the favorite verse of one of the women in the ladies' Bible study Clara and I have been attending at our church over the past year. When I look back now and see all the ways God has been preparing us for this move, I am in awe. As I learned bit by bit about contentment, I was also learning about quietness and trust before God. This may not make sense, but bear with me. It is very easy for me to have faith in God. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He loves me, that He will always take care of me, that His way is best and that, even when I don't understand what He is doing, He is constantly working for my good and His glory. That part is so easy for me. What is so hard, as I said before, is waiting for my instructions. I have often pestered God for specifics. "Lord, just tell me what you want me to do!" The lack of absolutely clear directions from God has been an ongoing theme of frustration in my life for many years. I have been learning, almost without knowing it (isn't God so gentle with us!), to be quiet before God. To wait on Him. To trust that, not only is His plan perfect, but He will also show it to me in His perfect time.

"Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you,

    and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.

For the Lord is a God of justice;

    blessed are all those who wait for him."

Isaiah 30:18

As we have waited on God, we have truly been blessed. The past two years have seen so much growth in our lives: in our marriage, in our walks with God, in our parenting, in our relationships with those around us, in our willingness to wait patiently and trust God. When I read this verse yesterday, it struck me hard. Not only were we waiting, but God was waiting too. This chapter in Isaiah talks mostly about how God's children were not willing to trust in Him or follow His plan - instead, they wanted to go their own way. With sadness, I can look back and see that in my own life as well. Yet God was waiting the whole time to be gracious to them and to show them mercy. How patient He is with us, slow learners that we are! The chapter continues:

"For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, 

but your eyes shall see your Teacher. 

And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 

“This is the way, walk in it,” 

when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left." 

Isaiah 30:19-21

Oh, what precious promises! As I was sitting in church yesterday, thinking of all the incredible ways God has directed us and provided for us and abundantly supplied us beyond what we could think or imagine (Eph. 3:20), the bolded words above came to me and I looked them up as soon as I got home. You know, we prayed those same prayers over this decision as we did over the ranch in Texas? "Lord, make your way clear to us. We want to go. This seems like a good fit. But only if You want us there. Please, throw the door wide open or once again slam it shut." That was a scary prayer to pray. As Luke said to me one day, "I keep waiting for the door to slam again." But over and over it has been thrown wide open. With our eyes, we have seen our Teacher leading the way. We have watched Him work miracles on our behalf. He has no longer been hiding Himself, working in secret, but doing His mighty works right before our eyes. 

One more thing about this verse. Do you notice where the voice is heard? "Behind you..." Not in front of you, showing you the way before you have turned, but behind you, after you have already chosen. When God opened the "big" door and we were offered the job on Montana, it was our choice whether to walk through it or not. We knew we wanted to go and we had spent much time in prayer asking God to guide us, but we had to make the choice. There was no lightning bolt or thunderous voice saying, "Go!" But ever since we decided to move, we have heard that voice behind us, confirming in a million ways, "This is the way, walk in it." And we do not feel stuck anymore. Oh, no! Instead, we feel the thrilling freedom of walking in the way He has set before us.

Stuck

That's how I have felt, in many ways, for much of the past 3 years. We never wanted to live permanently in our house; we have always dreamed of having more land. I have so often felt stuck here and longed for the day when we would leave this house behind. But living on one income with a baby, a car payment, a truck payment and a mortgage did not leave room for saving for a down payment on anything else (not good planning or money management on our part!). So here we were, stuck.

Also, stuck in this place of not knowing. Wondering. "God, why are we here? What do you have for us here? How do you want to use us?" We had some ideas and dreams but they all seemed unattainable given our house and financial situation. Over and over again we asked, "God, what do you want us to do?" We never seemed to get a definitive answer. Not knowing is hard for anyone and it is particularly hard for me. If I know exactly what I am supposed to do, even if it is unpleasant, I forge ahead. But not knowing? That is torture. Many times I felt like God had left me hanging. In my Bible study I asked many times for prayer that God would show us His path for us, show us what He wanted us to do.

Two years ago, an opportunity came up that seemed sent from God. There was a position on a boys' ranch in Texas that Luke "happened" to come across. We sent resumes and they immediately replied with interest. We interviewed over skype and both the director and the psychologist told us at the end of that interview that they wanted to hire us. We couldn't believe how fast the process was moving! It seemed like maybe this was what we had been waiting for! Every night we prayed, "Lord, please make your will clear to us. Please show us exactly where you want us. Lord, we want to go. We want to move. But not if it's not what you have for us. Please throw the door wide open, or slam it shut." We bought plane tickets to fly down and visit. And then, God slammed the door. About ten days before we were supposed to travel, the director called us. The board did not want to hire someone from so far away and their minds were made up.

It was like a punch in the gut. We were tempted to cry out, "God, WHY?" But how could we do that? God had answered us just as we had asked and His answer could not have been more clear. He honored our mustard seed faith and graciously closed the door so hard that we would never wonder if perhaps we had missed His leading. All we could say, even in our disappointment, was, "Thank you."

So, we knew we were supposed to be here for at least awhile longer. But why? Again, my specific mind was wanting specific instructions. Yet again, they did not come. But God was doing a gentle work on our hearts. Independently we both felt that God was telling us we needed to be content. And as we looked around, we could see many blessings that God had showered on us. This house, the thing that sometimes felt like a millstone around our necks, was a blessing that we needed to be thankful for. I often thought of Paul saying, "I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content." (Phil. 4:11) Oh, would I ever get there? I still can't say that I have ever felt truly content to be here, but I can say that my prayers changed. Instead of, "God, what do you want us to do?" they became, "God, help me to be content wherever You have us. Help me to do whatever you put in front of me with all my heart, not complaining, but rejoicing."

To be continued...

Feelin' the Love

It's been two weeks since we were offered the job in Winnett. Since making the decision to move and telling our friends and family, we have been so loved and blessed. From meals delivered to packing help, visitors to play with and read to Clara, offers of vehicles to borrow and places to stay on our trip and the many, many prayers that have covered us the whole way, we have truly felt God's love poured out abundantly into our lives through those around us. Many times we have simply looked at each other and not had words to express our astonishment and overwhelming thankfulness for the ways so many people have reached out to us.

As we were heading home earlier this week after sweet time with some dear friends, Luke said to me, "I don't think I ever realized how important we are to them. I didn't think so many people would be genuinely bummed to see us leave!" I had to agree. Seeing the sadness in people's eyes, hearing so many expressions of how much we will be missed and seeing all the ways people have reached out to support us and meet our needs has opened our eyes to how much love we have been surrounded by all these years. We have always appreciated our church and our friends, but I don't think we ever knew just how important we were to people or how many people our lives have genuinely touched. It makes me happy to know that we have blessed so many lives, but also sad that we have not invested more. It also motivates me to make sure the people around us, both here and in our future, know just how important they are to us and how much we love them.

As an extreme introvert, this is something that is hard for me. I don't share my thoughts and feelings easily and, though I often want to reach out to others, I usually don't because I am afraid of intruding or imposing where I might not be wanted. I don't often ask for help for the same reasons. Being in a situation where we have SO much to do in such a short amount of time has forced me to be more open about our needs and ask for specific help which I would not have otherwise done. For example, I would normally never ask someone to make a meal for our family unless I was very sick or incapacitated in some way. However, last week when a friend offered help, I asked if she would mind making us a meal, since it had been hard for me to get good dinners on the table between packing and taking Clara to swimming lessons. She was delighted to fulfill a specific need and we have since had a few other dinners delivered, which has been a HUGE blessing to our family. Often, in the past, I have told people, "If you need anything, please call!" and I really do genuinely mean anything. But I have rarely gotten that call. In the future I will ask, "What is one specific thing you need?" Because now I have felt the love of having specific needs recognized and met, and it has been such a sweet, sweet blessing.

Our House!

Today we received the first pictures of the inside of our house! It's so cute!

As you can see, it has a small wood stove, but the main heat is electric baseboard. When Clara saw this picture she said, "There's a cow fur, Mommy!" "You mean a cow hide?" "Yes. Did Mark do that?" Ha! She knows the ranch has beef cows and she is so curious about exactly what we will be doing with them.

Here's another view of the living/dining/kitchen "great room." The house is between 1000-1200 square feet, no one is really sure. Our house is close to 1200 as well, so they're about the same size.

Here's the view of the "kitchen" section of the room. I will miss my spacious kitchen, for sure. It doesn't look like there is much room for an actual table and chairs, so we may just add a third stool at the bar? Guess we'll have to see when we get there! There is also currently no washer, dryer or stove/oven in the cabin. The owner is happy to put these things in for us, but there may not be hookups for the washer/dryer and, not having been in the space, I'm not sure how things would fit. We do there that the owner's house just up the hill has all these appliances, he is oftentimes not there and we are welcome to use them if we need to. So, we will see how things work out once we arrive!

There are two bedrooms, each with a queen size bed and not much else. We will be bringing Clara's twin bed and taking the queen out of her room, so she has more room to play. We are also bringing a large dresser for her room that will double as both clothes and toy storage. There is no dresser for our bedroom, but we have our Montana family keeping their eyes out for us.

Here's the bathroom. Thankfully, Clara has gotten much better about taking showers since she's been having swimming lessons, so I told her she'll have to be a big girl and take showers, just like she does at the pool. She seemed fine with that.

I have been emailing some with the caretaker's wife, who sent me these pictures and gave me most of the info on the house. She also said that the water on the ranch is not potable, so we have to either get free water from a place in Lewistown, 1 1/2 hours away, or buy water at Walmart or somewhere similar in Billings, 2 hours away (where we'll probably go to do our big shoppings). I'm not sure what exactly the issue is with the ranch water and if it would be fixable with a good filter or not; another thing for us to investigate!

There is no cell service, but we do have high speed internet! Apparently a grant a couple of years ago ran cables out to all the remote homes and ranches in the area. So, we will be able to share stories and pictures and Gramma and Clara can continue to have their Skype story times.

Isn't this deck gorgeous? One of the first things Luke will do once we arrive is fix the railing so it will be safe. I imagine we'll spend quite a bit of time out here! We are so excited to see our new little home and start making it our own.

All for Jesus

This song has been percolating around in my mind for the past few days. I can't pinpoint exactly why, although we certainly have felt an absolute and astonishing freedom with everything pertaining to this move, that we believe only comes from being in the will of God.

Our pastor says every Sunday as part of his benediction, "Remember, you are nowhere by accident. God has already been where you will be." He said on Sunday, "We don't know what God's doing in Winnett, MT or why He needs you there, but it's obvious that that's where He's sending you!"

There are many things that excite us about this move and, from the outside, it would be easy for it to look like we are simply moving to fulfill a dream or to live a certain lifestyle. But this is not all about us. This is all for Jesus. We don't know what He has for us there yet, but we are looking forward to discovering, bit by bit, what He is doing.

Ways to Help

We have been so blessed by the offers of help from our friends and family over the last few days (I was going to write week, but it hasn't even been a week yet!). For anyone wondering how to help, here are a few ideas:

- Pray! I'll list specific requests below, but we have felt the prayers of so many already and really covet them going forward.

- Bring us food. Clara has swimming lessons at 4pm Monday - Thursday both this week and next. Between trying to pack during the day and being at the pool during prime dinner-cooking time, meals have been difficult. Even on the weekends when I'm here at 4, we are trying to get as much done as possible and often arrive at a meal time with no food prepared. I can work pretty well on very little food, but Luke and Clara both get very cranky when they're hungry! ;)

- Come by! We would love to see anyone who is local. I'm not sure if I'm ready for actual packing help quite  yet, but Clara would love to have visitors to play, chat, or sit and read books with her (her favorite activity!) and it would be a great help to me for her to be happily occupied. If you do visit, though, be forewarned: our house is an official disaster area!

- Save your boxes. We have some plastic totes with a few more on the way and have started gathering some boxes from friends, but I'm not sure how many we'll need. If you have boxes, and can keep them for a week or two until we really need them, that would be wonderful.

- Help us get rid of stuff! We have a couch, a rocking recliner, a glider with ottoman (the ottoman needs some repair), some miscellaneous bookeshelves, a large white dresser with shelves above, an entertainment center, a desk, a large sewing table, lots of clothes, some books and toys, a car, a house, and various other odds and ends to get rid of. We'd love to get money for some of it but are happy to give it away too. If you or anyone you know of could use these things, please be in touch. Ideally we'd like the furniture picked up the last week in March but it can happen sooner too if necessary.

- Loan us a car. We just paid off my car last week and found a buyer for it today. As soon as the lien release arrives (probably around the end of the week), it will be gone. But, it would be so helpful if Clara and I could still get around during the day while Luke is at work. If you know of anyone with a car we could borrow or have one yourself, please let us know. We'd be most grateful.

- Help us find a buyer/renter for the house. Ideally, we would like to sell the house asap but know that may not be a reality. We would be willing to give ridiculously cheap rent to the right person who would keep the house clean and organized and the lawn well taken care of while it's on the market. Bonus points if this person would also be willing to do some of the work on the house we had planned to do in the spring before trying to sell over the summer.

- Provide us with a haven for a few hours. It feels great and productive to get things done around here and we have a lot to do, but we also need some down time and it is not very relaxing at the moment to have down time at home, where the boxes and chores are staring us in the face. We don't have lots of time to kill, but a meal (where I don't have to wash the dishes!), a cup of tea, an hour or two's distraction in your home would be a welcome reprieve

- Pray!

Specific Prayer Requests:

1. Peace. For all of us, particularly Clara. She is such a trooper, but at times she looks at me and I can just tell her little insides are all discombobulated.

2. Patience. Sometimes the "discombobulation" comes through on the outside, too. It is hard to deal gracefully and patiently with her crazy emotions when mine are all over the place as well. We've been praying a lot simply that we'd be kind to one another over the next six weeks!

3. Wisdom. What to do with this piece of furniture, that picture, all our home canned goods, the chickens, the horses, the house. What to take, what to leave. What activities and visits we should try and fit in before we go and when we should simply rest.

4. A buyer or the perfect renter for our house. I outlined some of this above. We know that God has a perfect plan in place and we trust that He will reveal it to us in His perfect time.

5. Rest. None of us have been sleeping particularly well since last Thursday, myself in particular. I already struggle with insomnia, but the racing thoughts and trying to keep track of everything have made it much worse. I particularly need to be well rested for in order for #2, above, to be a possibility!

6. The ability to let go. I am a pack rat by nature. Ask my mom sometime about little boxes and bags. I save, not everything, but almost. You know, just in case! I did pretty well the first two days of sorting, but as time goes on it is harder to put things in the "getting rid of" pile. I really do want to pare way down and simplify, but the letting go is hard for me. Pray that I would be reminded to find my peace, comfort and stability in God and my sweet family, not in things.

7. Comfort. We are all excited, but we are all grieving too. There is nothing harder than seeing the tears in my husband's or daughter's eyes, hearing them say, "I'm going to miss _____." It is particularly hard to watch Clara sob about leaving her friends, the only ones she's ever known. We comfort her as best we can and pray that God would comfort her as well. Your prayers and love are a comfort to us all.

From the bottom of our hearts, thank you. Thank each one of you for the ways you have loved us well, for the ways you continue to love us well. For your prayers, your words of encouragement, your smiles and even your tears. We love you all more than words can possibly say.

The Backstory

My husband is very patient with me. It seems to take me about three years to figure out that he is right about major life decisions. When we met in Cameroon in '00, it took him about 2 months to decide we were meant for each other. It took me quite awhile to agree to date, and just over 3 years later, I said "yes" and we were engaged.

Shortly after we moved to NY in '06, Luke felt that my job was not a healthy place for me to be. I, however, wasn't ready to listen. It took me, once again, just over three years to see the truth of his assessment and leave for good, and boy, I've often wished I had listened to him sooner!

Shortly after Clara was born, Luke started talking about moving. Various places came up, all of them far from our current home. Over the years since we've talked about Missouri, Texas, Virginia, even the Carolinas, in addition to throwing around the idea of a western move. I've discussed, but never been quite ready to make the leap. But on January 1st I looked at Luke and said, "Let's get outta here." Again, took me just over three years... maybe I really should start listening to him sooner!?!

He immediately jumped on the assignment and sent messages to everyone he knew who might have leads on a job, telling them, "My wife has finally agreed to move west, so I gotta find a job before she changes her mind!" Haha...

He sent out lots of resumes, made many phone calls and had a couple of promising leads, but nothing seemed quite right. Then, his brother called and told him that a ranch where he's done some construction work was looking to hire another hand. Scott spoke highly of the owner and the other couple on the ranch and, once again, Luke sent off a resume. That was February 9th. A few days later, he got a surprise phone call from the manager. That led to another phone call, a flurry of emails, and a week of suspense as we waited for the owner to get home from a trip. Thursday night, the phone call we had been waiting for came and by the time they were done talking we had been offered the job, sight unseen and asked to show up in a month's time! We asked for a few days to think and pray about it, but by the next afternoon, we knew we were going. At least it didn't take me 3 years to agree this time! Maybe I'm getting better at this decision-making thing...

People have told us, "This is so sudden!" And yes, it's fast, in some ways. The time frame from finding out about this job to making a major move across the country is ridiculously short. But the truth is that this has been on our hearts and minds for three years, and really, longer than that. Shortly after we met I told Luke, "I don't want to be a ranch wife. That's not the life I want to lead. You need a wife who wants to live in the middle of nowhere, and that's not me." To which he replied, "That's fine. You are more important to me than a lifestyle. I want to be with you and we will make a life that we both love."

Maybe he knew me better than I knew myself, even back then. Or maybe I'm just slower at catching on than I thought. This move may be happening in a month, but it was really twelve years in the making.

And Just Like That...

It's happening. We are moving our family 2000 miles across the country to live on a cattle ranch where Luke will cowboy for a living and we'll be a day's drive away from grandparents and cousins!

And, we're leaving in less than a month.

We'll be living in a small cabin which is furnished with beds, couch, chair, fridge and soon, a washer and dryer. But no stove or oven (we're working on that one). The view is amazing and apparently, our house is also situated at the foot of a double rainbow! We'll see when we get there if we can find the pot of gold...

Our new home looks like a post card.

Calving is already in full swing, which is why they need us as soon as possible. Luke will also be working on getting the irrigation system ready to water the summer pastures for the cows and calves. In June it will be branding time.

  

My living room looks like a tornado came through. This morning we told our church family that we will be leaving. We are already tired from the packing and excitement and have a crazy list of things that need to be done in the next 29 days before we leave. Things are gettin' a little western. 

But, we get to live HERE! 

We expect visitors!