Stuck

That's how I have felt, in many ways, for much of the past 3 years. We never wanted to live permanently in our house; we have always dreamed of having more land. I have so often felt stuck here and longed for the day when we would leave this house behind. But living on one income with a baby, a car payment, a truck payment and a mortgage did not leave room for saving for a down payment on anything else (not good planning or money management on our part!). So here we were, stuck.

Also, stuck in this place of not knowing. Wondering. "God, why are we here? What do you have for us here? How do you want to use us?" We had some ideas and dreams but they all seemed unattainable given our house and financial situation. Over and over again we asked, "God, what do you want us to do?" We never seemed to get a definitive answer. Not knowing is hard for anyone and it is particularly hard for me. If I know exactly what I am supposed to do, even if it is unpleasant, I forge ahead. But not knowing? That is torture. Many times I felt like God had left me hanging. In my Bible study I asked many times for prayer that God would show us His path for us, show us what He wanted us to do.

Two years ago, an opportunity came up that seemed sent from God. There was a position on a boys' ranch in Texas that Luke "happened" to come across. We sent resumes and they immediately replied with interest. We interviewed over skype and both the director and the psychologist told us at the end of that interview that they wanted to hire us. We couldn't believe how fast the process was moving! It seemed like maybe this was what we had been waiting for! Every night we prayed, "Lord, please make your will clear to us. Please show us exactly where you want us. Lord, we want to go. We want to move. But not if it's not what you have for us. Please throw the door wide open, or slam it shut." We bought plane tickets to fly down and visit. And then, God slammed the door. About ten days before we were supposed to travel, the director called us. The board did not want to hire someone from so far away and their minds were made up.

It was like a punch in the gut. We were tempted to cry out, "God, WHY?" But how could we do that? God had answered us just as we had asked and His answer could not have been more clear. He honored our mustard seed faith and graciously closed the door so hard that we would never wonder if perhaps we had missed His leading. All we could say, even in our disappointment, was, "Thank you."

So, we knew we were supposed to be here for at least awhile longer. But why? Again, my specific mind was wanting specific instructions. Yet again, they did not come. But God was doing a gentle work on our hearts. Independently we both felt that God was telling us we needed to be content. And as we looked around, we could see many blessings that God had showered on us. This house, the thing that sometimes felt like a millstone around our necks, was a blessing that we needed to be thankful for. I often thought of Paul saying, "I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content." (Phil. 4:11) Oh, would I ever get there? I still can't say that I have ever felt truly content to be here, but I can say that my prayers changed. Instead of, "God, what do you want us to do?" they became, "God, help me to be content wherever You have us. Help me to do whatever you put in front of me with all my heart, not complaining, but rejoicing."

To be continued...